My Dearest Noah,

Well, I came to work on a Saturday but I haven’t got much work done. I’ve been far too caught up in playing with the pictures your mother sent me (finally!) and conspiring to find a job in Houston so that I could return without feeling too unreasonably humiliated by my succumbing to what can only be described as homesickness.

When you get older one day you may find as I have that it can be quite difficult to validate the integrity of what you believe to be the heart’s messages. One thing I have always felt strongly regarding, is following its advice even to what may seem a perilous end as judged by the head. It is to this advice I owe my current providence and the conflicting emotions it is bound by.

The truth is I wouldn’t be as very much homesick if it were not my longing for closeness to you given the circumstances your mother has determined. I failed quite miserably to reconcile my life in accordance with that sentence for almost one year now, and with many a questionable scruple I owe my poor judgment. I had doubted my ability to provide a worthy paternal grace without the love and respect of your mother. I was worried greatly by successive failures in my work that I was unable to provide for you on my own terms. I did not visit you for many months in all my agonies, selfishness, and self-pities. (forgive me) So it went...

and

Now I am working in California, 2000 miles away from being near you and unable to think about much else but that distance right now.

And so it goes with listening to one’s heart, that you may infer things about yourself better left to a more righteous ear.

And so it is with the utmost care and patience I must treat this sadness, this loneliness, I have determined only an opportunity to be your father can resolve.

For it is here, so far removed from your smiles and laughter (even your glares and frustrations!), that I understood to be a gauntlet which would validate my independence and acceptance of all the responsibilities and convictions that I thought were undeserved.

For it is also here that I made a commitment, may or may it not be with the devil himself regardless, and that promise yet remains unfulfilled to any reasonable extent.

...I only wish I knew when this trial becomes a new found esteem in my breast and your mother’s in me. One thing is certain though; I have never been at a loss in my esteem for you. I love you more dearly than anything I have ever hoped to know or understand. And it is that hope to know you, and to cultivate a belief in each other, that only a father and a son can share, which no distance can overcome.

Til Niagra Falls,

Dad

i can not go back, things are too far changed, yet i like to steal a reflection or two from time to time from the safety of my new world. only today is something different, and i do mean different. i have no eulogies to offer or cute valedictions, just me, as i am, like this.

i'm saying hello, i love you, always have. maybe you can't hear me, but i'm still saying it - the trick is living it. i am a magician's apprentice.

its not fair for me to cultivate doubt for the sake of interest or ironies any longer, or feign righteousness in self pity. i am in control of my thoughts. i am in control of my life. i have become a person of direction and purpose. you may be surprised to know, i now ride the ships i once wished upon like stars floating on the horizon - with me waving from the dock of an emotional prison.

and i recognize and enjoy the breath caught from the brink of self destruction for what it is - an opportunity.

Praise Allah!!! more importantly, praise Sandy!! I really apprieciate everything she has done for me the last couple of months, when I needed her help most she really has been there. Sandy is helping herself even more now, and she has a great new job!!! Exactly the job she was hoping for (POOF!) right into her lap (like magic! just in time, too!!). So awesome. She takes better care of the house, Rebecca, and herself. She is always doing better! I am really proud of her, I know she is going to do great. Thanks for listening.

<3,
Brian

First and foremost, I would like to thank God for indoor plumbing. yay, for toilets!!! I make a huge, stinky, wet mess then press a lever and POOF! like magic it disappears! Wow!! totally awesome!!!! We of the toilet generations are truly blessed. AMEN

Amended 4/16/2012 ---------> neW World Water!!! Potable h2o for impoverished communities in Africa.